A critical and satirical gazette about our world.

Friday, July 27, 2012

LOCK 'EM UP!


The Corporation for Confinement of Americans states today in a press release that the solution to the unemployment problem can be found within the walls of their institutions.  With stiffer prison sentences more men, women, and children can be used to produce consumer goods for a small fraction of the minimum wage.  Given the high recidivist rate among the prison population, these employed positions can continue indefinitely with only brief intermittent breaks, eliminating the need for paid leave.  Furthermore, many unemployed citizens desperate enough to feed themselves and their families will succumb to robbing grocery stores and other retail outlets.  Considering the rising popularity of personal guns for protection, such numerous novice criminals are likely to commit felonies that will add to the rolls of inexpensive labor.  The CCA claims the endeavor shows such promise as to suggest the return of the United States to a manufacturing powerhouse.  A lateral benefit would be a whole new class of guaranteed consumers, for the correctional population would of course be buying many of the goods they make in their secured jobs.  In this system everybody benefits: business succeeds, people work and buy, and the streets of the nation are safer, quieter, and less crowded with slackers, deadbeats, and otherwise useless riffraff.

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